The piece of advice that stands out in my mind is when Nike Rovero told me to never say never about my kids. Because as sure as I'm breathing, your kid will turn around and do whatever obnoxious thing you just told a crowd of people your kid would never, ever do.
- I will never spank my kids. Talk to me after you have pulled the baby away from the shiny, pretty oven for the fourth time and she is not listening. Talk to me when your older child kicks the younger one in the back, on the stairs. If there was danger involved, you got a sharp reminder. Call me, we'll talk.
- I will never yell at my kids. You're my kid. There will be yelling. No not intentional, hurtful, mean screaming, but yes you have vocal skills and will use them if motivated. Again, you're my kid, so your kid will be my blood.... there will be trouble and you will be motivated.
- I will not use the television as a babysitter. Your dad was in Iraq for almost a year. The only way I had a shower, folded laundry, put away laundry or handled raw meat was with the grace of God and PBS kids. I'm not proud, but it got the job done and I was able to get a few seconds break. Notice that I said "had a shower." Not had a shower, washed, dried my hair and was able to shave my legs. Darn shows are only twenty minutes long.
- Followed by, I will spend my time with my kids in a productive, playful environment that will encourage and motivate them. Sure, we play alphabet games, matching and counting games every once in a while. But the majority of the time you guys are "the great pirate (fill in the name here) or super hero (fill in the name here) and running amuck. If you're sitting down, I'm not above bribing a snuggle out of you with a television show.
- I will never let my marriage get to the point of having to schedule "date night" because my significant other and I will keep the romance alive. Talk to me after you have baby number two. A bit less sleep, a bit more work for both of you. I always thought date nights were a joke until I looked at the calendar and realized your father and I had not been outside the house alone in over four months. Here's a tip- hire the babysitter early so that you get the time to wash, dry hair AND shave your legs.
- I will never my kids on a captive group of people and just let them scream. Hello? You were born in Bethesda, Maryland and we lived in Israel. Grace had more stamps in her passport before she was one than I had when I was 34. I view small people on a plane as terrorists. Keep them happy and fed, meet their demands and hopefully everyone gets out unharmed. I have enjoyed our travels over the years, but even the thought of getting you guys on a plane right now gives me hives.
- I will expose my children to art, culture and travel. I love you guys. I do. But there is no way in hell I'm taking you anywhere to a museum without animals or dinosaurs until you are ten. Then maybe you'll appreciate it. And even then we're going to do it the way my parents did it. We go in, see everything in ONE exhibit and then leave. Okay, snacks and then we leave. As for travel, if we can go in the car, we'll go. Otherwise, I'll wait.
- My kids are not going to throw tantrums in the store. Yeah, right. The last time you did that, I sat down and asked you to let me know when you were done. I wanted to pull a Jeff Foxworthy, ask you "Where is your mother?" while shaking my head. The other mommies were not approving of this tactic and the store manager wanted me OUT.
- My children will use their manners and not hit, bit or scratch. You three have manners. Beautiful manners. But when you are tired, stressed, hungry or ill I keep expecting your head to spin around and blow chunks like in Psycho.
- My daughter will not be a prissy girly-girl, super tom boy or a problem child. You three have such different personalities that you are going to surprise me with the different facets for an eternity. I'm looking forward to it. But can we skip a Goth phase?
- My children will respect me. Okay, let's get back to the spitting issue Eleanor seems to have recently.
- My children will not have to wear hand me downs or clothes that are cheap and not in fashion. I have to say that I'm going to try very hard on this one. I'm going to make sure that you have a say in your clothing (which means you will be responsible for your own laundry- but that's another day) be as fashionable as possible while still being age appropriate and are comfortable. But you need to understand that you WILL be wearing hand me downs and probably things from the local thrift store. If you don't like it, so be it. But I'm not paying fifty dollars for a pair of jeans that you will outgrow in a year.
Oh my God. I sound like my mother.
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