Sad news

I got a call from a friend yesterday who wanted to talk. At first I thought it was a call to check in, see how everything was going and maybe touch base on a few recent events.

Wrong.

Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. Your Granne and Grandbob were here, so luckily I was able to actually give this person with my whole attention. And I'm in shock. Our friends are a couple we've known for a while. Someone that I thought we knew. We've spent time in their home and they've spent time here; there has been no outward signs of hostility or discord except for the expected stresses of new family member, new house, etc.

My friend feels as though their efforts are not appreciated. As though what they do in the home, for the family and the recent attempts at job hunting are not valued. Without the outside validation, there is not a lot of respect being given. And then they followed up by telling me about how they do not feel as though their spouse loves them as they should be loved.

I had no clue what to say. So in an atypical fashion, I shut up and listened. And listened some more. And tried to repeat back the parts I didn't understand or felt needed clarifying. The biggest part of this was the part about intimacy. Even now, a day later, I still don't grasp a clear understanding of what was being asked for.

When I talked to your dad last night, I asked him to pray for this other couple. I had thought that this was a new thing to their relationship, a new hurdle to cross. Unfortunately, it seems our friends have been dealing with issues in communication, appreciation, priorities and intimacy for a while. They have been on this road for years and my friend is contemplating their marriage and weighing their happiness and future happiness. They are not taking this lightly.

They feel as though they are not the go-to person for their spouse. As though they are not being given the time, attention, respect and intimacy (there's that word again) that they need. This person's pain was palpable through the phone.

When I think of intimacy, I think of how vulnerable I am to someone else. I have an intimacy with my parents. A comfort, an understanding and a relationship that is close. I am intimate with Michelle in that we talk every day, she knows all the stuff going on in our life, she knows a majority of my flaws and she still loves me. I am intimate with Cousin Laura in that she is family, I love her quirks and her craziness and could tell her almost anything and we don't need to talk every day, week or even month. Same with Sandi.

But your dad. Your dad knows me. He knows my personality, my character, almost everything about me and he loves me anyway. He is a comfort, he is the even keel, and together we make the center of this family. When I think of intimacy with him, I don't think of sex. When I think of intimate moments, I think of driving home with him in the car after leaving Jordan at the hospital and crying my eyes out down I-95 because we were not supposed to have left that place without her. I think of the times after you guys go to bed when we snuggle up and talk. I think of holding his hand and that look he gives me over your heads when he's holding you in his arms. Sex does bring a certain closeness, but not always as intimate as a great soft kiss in the middle of the living room.

So here's the one piece of advice I gave my friend. When you find someone in your life that you like as a person, who you respect and trust, if you also have passion with this person- this is priceless. It's rare. It is not something to be treated lightly.

They agreed. But I'm not in their shoes. I don't have to wake up in the morning and look at my beloved and think that they don't see me as their end-all-be-all. Pretty sure my heart would break a bit as well. So for now I will shut up and listen. And pray. And pray some more.