You, Eleanor, aren't feeling well and have been acting out all day. For some reason or another, you've been cranky, clingy and generally bad tempered. Am hoping that it is nothing more than a cold making the rounds and that I'm not going to seriously regret having said that in a few days...
Tonight is one of those nights that makes me glad I don't work outside the house. Tonight is one of those nights where I look at your dad sleeping soundly beside me as I noisily type away (this keyboard is LOUD) and he doesn't even flinch as you start crying for the dozenth time. Oh yes, there will be a nap for Mommy tomorrow.
I was having a conversation with BC about "good enough" on Saturday night. And he was talking about parents who had older kids and were just bone tired and/or just selfish and didn't communicate or spend the time with their kids or on their marriage. I've been doing a lot of "good enough" lately and I have to say I don't like it.
Oh, there are times when it comes in handy and times when it's a wonderful excuse, but I really, really want to do something well. I want to be proud of what I do, to see pride on your faces and your dad's. I want to know that what I do has value. Not just "good enough".
I can understand why people go back to work early and stay late at their jobs. They're completing a task, they are meeting a finite challenge and accomplishing a goal. There seems to be so little of that around here with the never ending list of things to do. I have a white board up on the wall in the kitchen where I keep track of all the things I'm supposed to remember. Call Terminex, make a doctor's appointment for me, take care of paperwork, pick up the grill, drop off the snacks in the morning....the list gets wiped away as the day goes on but I always seem to be able to put three or four more up there during the day.
BC and I spoke while your dad was in Iraq about trying to do everything and keep all our ducks in a row. Hard to do. I've tried to simplify and streamline, but even that takes maintenance and time that get eaten up during the day. There are things that I need to do, things I have to do and things I want to do. Playing with you girls and keeping you from hurting yourselves or peeing on the floor are in all three of those categories.
With the creativity and energy from our family, it's easy to get distracted. Especially with three other people who are demanding my time and attention which you deserve. But I want to do better than the lowest standard. I want to feel that satisfaction. Not sure if I'm talking about our family, our marriage, the house, my studies, my quilting, photography, writing or just me in general but I'm working on it.
I'm working on it.
No comments:
Post a Comment