Fourth Generation

Yesterday, you met your great grandmother for the first time. We've never had much of a relationship with my dad's side of the family, more of a live-and-let-me-live-way-the-heck-away-from-you kind of dealing.  Todd and I stopped by her house the summer that we got engaged, thirteen years ago, and it was rushed visit. We had no real plans, but since she was used to us heading off to meet a boat, she hurried us along the way without even setting foot inside.

My dad's side of the family was invited to our wedding but declined for reasons unknown. Money may have been an issue, but Dad would have tried to take care of it. He's got four brothers, a sister and his mom- not a one of them showed up. To say they're not close is an understatement.

So it came as a bit of a surprise to me that she wanted to meet you. Apparently Grandbob has been sending her pictures over the years and I sent him two of the Grandbob picture books I made up for Christmas so that he could forward one on to her.  

We left the island yesterday, you in your pretty blue dresses and all dolled up for a photo.  We left on the 8:30 boat and arrived just in time for your grandfather to take his mother for a blood test.  Her first words to me were, "You're a lot less chubby than the last time I saw you." I smiled, nodded and went out to call Aunt Michelle with the official WTF phone call and Grandbob and Great Grandma Hazel left in the minivan.  Leaving us alone in her small, packed apartment. With three small children.  Good idea, bad idea?

Lunch was an adventure.  You were as fabulous as a three year old, four year old and six year old could be for an hour and a half in a restaurant you did not want to be in, eating food for a picky twelve year old rather than a toddler or a little kid.   Sure there were restless feet and heavy sighs, but you were well behaved.

To be honest, the whole day was tense.  She doesn't talk much, your grandfather doesn't talk much and your Granne was tolerating the whole day while I wanted to think of ways get our stuff so that we could leave them at the dock and keep driving.  

I know, you're wondering if I had any fun at all when you were a kid, right?

I did, I do. Promise. There is no place that I would rather be than here with you guys. There is nothing and no one more important than you.  After a conversation with one of my cousins, she actually said that she always felt my mom had something better to do and someplace else to be rather than hanging out with us kids.

Which is why I can't figure out why she's pressuring us to stay here.  I tried to take off for the day, but there was something on her schedule that made it impossible. Not "go ask your dad is he can watch them during 9-11" but  "I can't watch them. I have something."

It was story time. Fucking story time.  The whole reason I couldn't go off island and spend time with a friend was so that Mom could drive us all over to the school and read.  This writing rampage is mostly due to the fact I can't reach your dad an I'm about to explode in confusion.  If she wants so much time with you, why does she want me around to watch you guys?   I wrote this one to your dad the other day...

Another fun day on Prudence.  Without you here to bash ideas with me, I've had to do all the thinking by myself. I think it works better with you.

It's lonely without you. My parents are lovely, but we're not friends. It looks so ugly in writing, but it's true. 

I'm getting worn down by the criticism. Especially the stuff our kids do- this one eats too much, this one too little, this one takes too much and doesn't finish. Frustrating. 

It hurts that my dad really couldn't care less about the girls or me unless they're in the garden or on the dock. We've got almost nothing in common and he will be right back to normal when we're not here.  I was invited to go fishing one morning and he left forgot and left without me. Never invited again. Sounds like not a big deal.   But it is. 

The passive aggressive anger is annoying. If you put a wash in, do not assume I will hang it if you leave the house unless you say, "Wash is in the washer. Hang it, please."

The phrase, "And what do you plan to do with the girls?" is the "NO" of today.  Someone offered me an empty house to sleep in, I was planning to go after the girls went to bed and I got that question. Needless to say, I did not have a night alone. I have not left the island. 

I'm angry that my mom pushes SO much. They'll do it when they're ready. Yes, I've been known to push a few things (stop snorting) but if they're playing nicely, NO we do not need to go to the beach right now. NO they don't have to eat if they're not hungry and NO my cousins kids don't have to do what you say if their mom says different. And NO, if my kid is afraid that a crab will nibble her, we do NOT have to go in the water. Fuck off. 

Contemplating asking my mother for a list of all the stuff the girls and I do that keeps making her angry so we can try to avoid it. No, not seriously. Pretty sure that wouldn't help.

This is not a great evening. Be glad you're not here or I'd be snotty and weepy all over your shoulder.  But if you were here I wouldn't be weepy.

I miss you. You make everything better.

As far as self realizations go, I thought it was a good start.  Something tells me it's still not going to help....

Ultimatum

I just sent this message to your dad.


Dearest Husband, 
I miss you.

We miss you.

Am going through coffee kisses, rumbly voice withdrawl and would like to talk to you.

OR I GO SHOPPING.

And nobody wants that. 

Not much of a threat, really, considering we're on Prudence and I have access to no stores. But there is always the internet....

Signed, Confused in Paradise.

Suppose that I should follow up a bit more.  Sorry about that. The party went off without a hitch- very few people showed up, as expected, but the ones who did made the day. I had a blast.

This should probably teach me to quit my bitching, but I don't think it's going to have much of an effect.

We're on Prudence. Have been since last Wednesday when I drove up from Maryland after staying a few days with Michelle and her two.  Not sure that I would have chosen an extra few days of family bonding, but the slots on the boat were limited and you guys were so excited to see Granne and Grandbob that it made sense.

The weather has been pleasant, the temperatures moderate. The house is clean, the beds made and my parents have been bending over backwards to accommodate healthy meals and not expect me to clean up everything all the time. They have been ridiculously helpful.  So why do I want to scream?

Seriously, this place is gorgeous. A beautiful environment, trails, garden, access to the beach and the water. But as I sit here in the main room where I'm supposed to be writing to your dad, all I can think of is that I want to throttle someone. All I wanted was a bit of privacy. A moment of quiet. Some down time.

Not. Going. To happen.

You have run in and out a few times. Your grandmother thinks that right now is the perfect time to sweep the floor and sigh heavily. Maybe clang a few dishes.  Putting away the bags that have been sitting out for a few days up into the attic has become a HUGE priority. Now. Right now.

I never thought of myself as a loner. I just like being alone sometimes. I like losing myself in a book and concentrating to the point that it runs along my (Can you help me get a cup? I can't get a cup! ) brain like a movie only I can see.  But it's harder to concentrate and get any sort of groove to write or (I want a cup too!) read when you wonderful wee blessings are in my face every ten seconds.  Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change this time for love or money, but reading a book straight through seems like a  (I want water!) far off dream.

And let's face facts. Your grandmother and I are both strong willed people. Granne and Grandbob have their life and their schedule here that we are interrupting. We're adding an interesting new element and are more than welcome, but we're barging into the middle and disrupting their days. So of course,  they are trying to take back control.

Problem is, I'm usually the one in charge.  So when your grandmother gets you up and wants you to get dressed before blueberry muffins, I want to take a pass. It's no big deal for me to send you out to play in the yard while you're still in pajamas until you get hungry, but it's a HUGE faux pas to your Granne.  Food first, then change, then outside.  There is order to the chaos. Me? I'm okay with you going off to play until you get hungry. I'm more than okay with the dishes sitting until we feel like doing them, or the laundry waiting until we feel like doing it.  But they have a routine and we are trying to be respectful.

But the yelling. Wow. I never realized how impatient my parents are. Maybe I'm going to be just like them when you're older, but the knee-jerk barking responses are enough to make me tell them to back off. Of course, they find this endearing and do so immediately. NOT.

I don't mean to sound ungrateful and I know that I sound it right now.  We've been here for two weeks and they've been nothing but gracious.  But when you're older, and you and your kids come to visit....we're going to have a lot to talk about.  Just talk to me, okay?  I'll try not to get defensive and upset while you tell me what you need.  And I'll try hard to listen.

We can work this out. Either that or we can start drinking. I'm up for either one.