On Wednesday, you had your classes and we played for a bit before going home. On Thursday, we got there early, had a bite with your dad and then had a few minutes of play time after the class.
Grace and Eleanor were excited to show us what they had learned. And you, sweet Jordan, were becoming more and more comfortable in the water. Blowing bubbles, splashing, even wading up to your chin. Such a huge difference from your first few days there. Your dad was playing with your sisters while you and I were talking with another mom and her little boy. You were right there. Right near my leg in about 18 inches of water.
You will never know how much I regret not keeping my eyes on you.
It was ten seconds. Maybe twenty. And I looked around for you. The rest of the family had drifted over to the very exciting three feet area and were showing off their scooping hands and kicking feet and you decided to follow.
Your head was tipped back and you bounced up from the bottom to grab a gulp of air. Your hands were going underneath the water and your were bicycling your feet. A dive later you were coughing on my shoulder and I was sure the pounding in my ears was never going to stop. I cannot believe I failed you like that. I'm supposed to be keeping you safe.
We want you to enjoy going to the pool and the beach. To learn to swim and love the water. You've powered through timid and scared of the slightest wave to a girl determined not to let a little thing like lack of oxygen stop you. And that terrifies me. I want you to be brave. I want you to have the courage to try new things, to fail and to continue to try. Your dad and I just need a little help with the adjustments of attitude and the rapid rate and which you and your sisters develop and grow.
I'm not proud of letting you down. Of failing to keep you safe. Of endangering your life. I woke up on Thursday night with you bobbing in the pool - over, over and over again. At one point, I got up and went into your room just to lay down next to your bed and feel your chest rise and fall under my hand. The possible consequences of my actions are not something I wanted to think about and kept running through my head.
So I'm going to do better. Your still probably going to swallow some pool water, but we're going to be watching you daredevils much, much closer.
Although I doubt I'll be of much use as I won't be sleeping for the next month or so.
